I’ve had this picture in my head now for months.
As I was knitting these gloves (Knotty Gloves, btw) I kept coming back to this shot in my mind. Although it’s not how I originally intended it to be (too much excess snow) mother nature gave me light fluffy stuff so I had to go with it. A special thank you to Nana Pepperoni for being the best hand model ever. It was really frackin’ cold here today.
I often do feel like I hold my heart in my hands. A few years ago, I developed two horrible habits. The first is being a dreamer. The second is being a hopeless romantic. I wander about life with my head in the clouds, dreaming of what I want, determined to make it a reality. For many years, I walked about with a wall up intent on keeping my heart to myself. Scared to share, scared to be free, scared to let things flow. It cursed my friendships and my relationships. To walk through life afraid to be open and share life with others is an isolating experience that leaves you wondering what’s missing. Waking up every day with nothing but your cup of coffee and a tv isn’t enough, even if you have convinced yourself that it is. There’s a huge world out there that is screaming for your return.
I came to the realization two years ago and decided that my life was going to change. I was going to do what I wanted and needed to do for myself. I was going to be happy. I was going to live freely and stop limiting myself by remaining emotionally prostrate. It was a strange moment in the land of Megan, but I am better off because I allowed it to happen. Walking the streets of your head knowing you are free to make any choice that you desire is a freeing moment that everyone should have. Too often our past becomes our obsession, and we allow ourselves to become trapped in the insanities** that we cannot ever change. It’s ok to allow those chains to fall to the side, and to not be ruled by past sufferings. Pick up, move on and smile. While it may not be easy, and it’s not something that happens overnight, it feels good once it happens. I spent hours, no, days, convincing myself that I was good and that life was good and that people were good, and one day I looked in the mirror and realized that I needed no convincing.
We are often too concerned with what we think should happen instead of simply allowing it to. We get caught up in what our preconceived notions are about what we think we want. Who our mate will be. What type of clothes we should wear. How loud we should sing, or if we should simply not. When we allow our ideology to take over for our heart we cannot see the beautiful creatures that are right in front of us, wanting to hold our hands. We can’t see what people have to offer – we only see that they don’t fit our mold and therefore are not worth our time. I created my molds out of anger, pain and betrayal, and while the memories that created them still exist, I shall not be bound to them. I am free to live my life in spite of them, and they no longer rule me.. Nor do they put me into the isolated corner of martyrdom.
I hold my heart in my hands so that I can share it, and I am glad. Though it may bring me heartache, cause me to refuse reality and become that petulant child that stomps her foot when she cannot get what she wants, I am glad. Dreams don’t always become reality, and I’m ok with that. I can live and I can learn. I can hurt, and yet my heart will always heal if I allow it to.
I know this blog post is a bit unusual for me, but I am in the process of trying something new. I’ve been writing a lot outside of this blog, and while I don’t feel the need to share just yet, I can share with my writing takes me and the things I learn along the way. I don’t feel the need to wax poetic for you every post, but I do want to do it more often. Yes, I know it’s rambling and disjointed in parts, but I’m hoping with practice those parts will go away. I owe it to the ideas that float about my head to let them out.
** I know insanities is not a word, but it fits. Those crappy parts of life that life on cause the insanity and I find that often there is more than one insane gremlin living in my head. Thus, insanities.