Somewhere between the here and the tomorrow, I get a little lost.
I forget what I am here for and get so far off track from where I am supposed to be that I can no longer tell which path I am on. I think I’m just destined to operate this way. I can’t pick up a book without thinking about what I want to read next, yet there’s always another book between the one I’m reading and the one I want to read… Maybe even a few of them. I’ve noticed this is my habit with everything I touch. I want to do this…. I want to do that… Is it really so bad to just do whatever?!?
Obviously, there are somethings that stick… Knitting and photography come to mind, but even within those two things, my mind is constantly moving on to the next thing. The next color. The next branch. The next project. The next ray of sunshine. While I’d like to think of these adventures as exploration and self-expression, I often have to wonder if I’m electing the experience over mastery. Someone commented to me the other day about how a project develops for me, and thought that figuring that out might be a great tool for me.
It might be, if I figure out how it works. There’s no set in stone starting point.. It’s all what I see when I see it. It could be how something feels, a color pattern, a movement or a shadow. To quantify the what and the how is almost frightening and somehow exposing. I do understand the importance of mapping such an activity, and that it might make it easier for me to focus on a specific, but I’m not sure I want to do that. Part of the process I enjoy is starting from nothing and moving towards something. I like the journey. I love seeing the glimmer in my mind and watching it grow, taking form and shape as I move with it. To have that drawn out in front of me seems like ball and chain that I’d have to lug around with me every time my mind entered into the voyage.
That being said, maybe it’s part of what I enjoy about not being an expert, to a degree. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know how to do every little thing in regards to what it is that I enjoy, but I want the freedom of not having to know. Those of you who have been around long enough know I love to get deep in the weeds, but I also love that I don’t have to go there every single time. It’s good to have things in life that don’t require thought. You just pick up what you have and go with it until you don’t want to anymore.
There’s something freeing in the absence of thought that comes with that, and I’m not trading it for the world.